nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
