im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
