Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
