your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
