chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
