you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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