That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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