the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
