i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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