i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
