I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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