I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize