Soap is not a condiment
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
