Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
