I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
