I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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