I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
