when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
