weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
