feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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