It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
