I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Congratulations! We have a period
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
