I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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