Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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