Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
