my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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