mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
