I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
