Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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