it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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