My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We had to coat check the pizza.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
