What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
