I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
