You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
