I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i believe in u and ur pee
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
