I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
