I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize