I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
