Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
