just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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