Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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