Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
