Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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