note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
