when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Watching her eat just hurts me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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