OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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