not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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