he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
did i just pee glitter
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
