Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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