help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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