You just made me feel so damn special
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
