Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
