his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
