nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
