capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
