I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
